I’ve had so many hundreds of people talk to me about their depression and what they’re suffering, and how they’re afraid to go public with it, that I thought it was time to republish my “coming out” blog when I told the world that I suffer from depression. It was scary as hell to do, and humiliating — I had to admit that I’m not Superwoman — but I’m so much better off for having done it. The support and encouragement from everyone in the writing and reading communities has been amazing. I think, perhaps, that coming forward may have saved my life. Here it is:
Friday Mental Health Check In – on Naysayers
Friday Mental Health Check In: (and please share this post with everyone; it’s so important!)
Today I want to talk about the issue of naysayers. Mental health deniers. The Tom Cruise “post-partum depression doesn’t exist” kind of thing. The neighbor who tells you that meds are bad and she was sad once but sniffing tulips while singing about sunshine cured her.
This can be a serious problem; it can crush us. But it’s worse–FAR, FAR WORSE — when the person doing the naysaying is OUR OWN DOCTOR.
On setbacks…
You may have seen that I just learned to swim 2 weeks ago, after 40 years of being terrified of water. (dad/lake/near drowning).
I was moving right along, swimming more and more laps, until today. Today, swimming alone, I inhaled some water & was right back there. Three or four years old and drowning, almost forgotten by my stupid father & his drunk friends.
Today I flashed back to that & almost cried. So, gulping air and hyperventilating, I made it to the end of the lane and clung for dear life. It was the deep end, naturally. But I used Lamaze breathing until I calmed down.
It’s the little things…college orientation & robo-laundry
Had college orientation with Princess last week, and it’s always the little things that get me. So, the person describing how the student ID/cash card works says that you pay for laundry/washers & dryers with it, and then the APP SENDS YOU A NOTIFICATION WHEN YOUR WASHER OR DRYER IS DONE.
Every woman in the room said OOOOHHHHHH. The men probably didn’t say it because the guys in my dorm never cared if their clothes were a wadded-up ball of wrinkles when they finally came back for them and somebody had pulled them out of a washer and shoved them on a table, but the girls? We cared!!
I DID IT!!! I LEARNED TO SWIM!!!!
If you’ve been following my terror/learn to swim saga on my FB page, there’s the video proof that TODAY I DID IT!!!! Check it out HERE!!! And here’s the rest of the story…
Thank you EVERYBODY for the cheers on me learning how to swim today!!
As you might imagine from the victory videos, there was more to the story…
First, I was scared to death. I actually felt sick driving to the pool. There are now fingernail marks in Judd’s arm.
When we got there I almost didn’t get in the pool. I was so scared I was hyperventilating a little bit. When we did get in there, a kid splashed me and I got water up my nose & almost cried. (My dad nearly drowned me when I was a kid & I’ve been terrified ever since.)
Navy Guy had to keep reminding me I was IN A POOL. And that it was only 4′ deep (I’m 6′ tall). But when I couldn’t figure out which way was up (I kept closing my eyes), I was terrified.
Also, my lungs did not want to let me breathe out underwater.
Because my lungs said: YOU ARE UNDERFUCKINGWATER, OKAY?? HOLD ONTO THAT AIR!!!!
So I almost drowned again (except for the being in a pool part, and for a very patient Navy Guy right there next to me, but it could have happened. If anybody could figure out how to screw something up, we all know it would be me…)
BUT I persevered!!! I breathed underwater (mostly out; breathing IN underwater=BAD, I learned this today). I swam a breast stroke & a frog kick thing & even ON MY BACK. I swam LIKE A BOSS.
I am so proud of myself that I burst into tears in the shower. All those years of terror…DONE. I am brave. I GOT this.
Please, PLEASE be brave with me. Find something that has always scared you and find a way to face it. Let’s kick fear’s ASS. Tell me about it & I’ll cheer the loudest for you. ‘Cause I’m a SWIMMER, y’all. I’m on your side all the way.
xoxoxoxxo
Alyssa
OUTSIDE OF NORMAL, BUT BRAVE AF!
Okay, in spite of a crippling fear of water, thanks to my Dad’s throwing me in a lake to ‘teach me how to swim’ when I was a kid (I did not learn; I did not float; I kept plummeting to the bottom…), I’m finally FINALLY going to learn to swim. Because it’s my year of COURAGE and I’m going to be brave as fuck.
Just called and set up the lessons for June 12-23 and I’m hyperventilating just from the phone call (with the “head of aquatics” who sounded 12), but here we go.
Friday Mental Health Check In:
Friday Mental Health Check In: How is everyone this week?
I realized I have the “My baby is going to college” blues, but then College Ninja decided to live at home and commute to his college classes this year, so I won’t be totally an empty nester. Yay! I’m also avoiding the doctor, because I think I’m going to hear some bad news. Which is a Bad Thing to do, I know.
Damn. Okay, I’ll call her now, because I’m a crap role model on battling depression if I avoid doctors. See? You helped me and you didn’t even have to say anything!!
Unappreciated — ACIMH
So I’m learning to cook, in the Better Late than Never category. Tonight I made my first-ever roast chicken, and the Actual Conversation In My House went something like this;
Me: I made my first-ever roasted chicken**! Isn’t it beautiful??
Navy Guy: You roasted it upside down.
Me: But at least it’s roasted. And beautiful! And I made my first-ever gravy that turned out great!!
Navy Guy: Too much salt in the gravy.
Me: WELL, AT LEAST I TOOK OUT THE FREAKING PLASTIC BAGS OF GUNK, UNLIKE THAT TIME WITH THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY.
On courage and learning to swim…
Conquering fear…
One of the worst things about depression is that it makes us afraid. Afraid of stepping outside our comfort zone, afraid of trying new things, afraid of stepping into the world and experiencing it fully–with adventures and anticipation and joy.
So today I’m going to begin to tackle one of my lifelong fears: I don’t know how to swim, because I’m afraid of the water. Wow. That is so embarrassing to admit, especially since we always live near the ocean. But my horrible father did the “throw her in the deep end–of a LAKE–and she’ll figure out how to swim” thing when I was really small, and I nearly drowned. He kept thinking I’d pop up.
A Website Welcome!
Welcome to a new year and to my new website!
My word for 2017 is ESSENTIAL. I’m paring down and gearing up for a bold new year of focusing on what’s essential in life and in my career.
In book terms, that means watch out!! It’s the year of writing like the wind—or at least a very strong breeze. You’ll see new books in all of my series: Poseidon’s Warriors, the Cardinal Witches, and the Tiger’s Eye Mysteries. Check out this gorgeous new website that my wonderful team at AuthorBytes built for me for details, extras, and more.