Don’t hump the boards — ACIMH*

*ACIMH = Actual Conversation In My House

So, we went to IKEA yesterday to pick up some things for College Princess’s new apartment, and I found a bench that’s meant to be outdoors but I want to use it for an end-of-the-bed bench. We also found a desk for Princess that she plans to paint or collage or do cool Artsy things to before we take it to Orlando. So Navy Guy and I started to put the desk together first. It started out … weird.

Naturally, I translated IKEA into English (I’m the writer) so Navy Guy (he’s the electrical engineer) could start building.

Me: First, don’t do this alone. We need two people.

NG: We ARE two people.

Me: Right. Sorry. I was distracted by Step 2, which says Don’t Hump the Boards.


Me: It’s right here. Don’t hump the boards.  Apparently we’re supposed to softly stroke the boards. Maybe the boards need to have a gentle but sensual experience before we begin.

NG: *clutches head* That is NOT what it says … *grabs instruction booklet* Huh. It sure seems like it’s saying don’t hump the boards.

Me: As I said. Please commence stroking the wood … heh. That sounds dirty. Stroke the wood so we can begin.

NG: I knew this was a bad idea.

But we persevered, and College Princess got in on the act and helped build her own desk, which was cool. And then it was nearly midnight, so we went to sleep, but *cue ominous music* …

At 3 a.m. my chronic insomnia and Penny the Rescue Dog’s loud dream of chasing bunnies combined to make me wide awake, so I decided to put the bench together on my own. (Those of you who know about my terrible lack of spatial awareness can stop laughing at me any minute.)

First, as you know, everything IKEA comes in a flat box. But after I got the basic outside of the box put together, I had this: which was still an awful lot of pieces. And the thing had hinges, which I could just imagine going terribly wrong.

But NO!  Because, and this only took me a little more than an hour in total, I ended up with NO PARTS LEFT OVER, and a beautifully, functional (Yes, the hinges even work, stop doubting me), bench.

Ta Da!

Truly a thing of beauty. Tomorrow I will fill it with blankets and quilts and think about making a cushion for the top. I did it All By Myself.

And all I needed was patience, perseverance, my purple tool bag, and a few moderately bad words when I banged my finger: You’ll be delighted to know that I didn’t even hump the boards.

When the family wakes up, they are going to be Very Surprised.



  1. April Nichols on July 6, 2019 at 8:14 am

    Nice job! One must always follow the instructions to a “T”. I am sure the boards were appreciative of ya’ll’s attentions and efforts. 😉

    • Alyssa Day on July 6, 2019 at 8:16 am


  2. Lorna on July 6, 2019 at 8:41 am

    Did the boards behave despite not being stroked sensuously? No hint of “you don’t love me”?
    It looks amazing x

    • Alyssa Day on July 6, 2019 at 2:31 pm


  3. Sandy Simonson on July 6, 2019 at 2:29 pm

    Too funny. I understand completely trying to put something together.

  4. JanKeira Knox Rowell on July 6, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    Oh I can totally see you guys tryna put this together and stroking the boards cuz it’s, ya know, weird.

    Glad you were able to put it together with no parts leftover! Amazeballs!

  5. Auntie Deb on July 6, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    I wonder what the boards did to in the past to warrant an all encompassing no humping edict.

    Oh! And excellent job!!!

    • Alyssa Day on July 7, 2019 at 12:50 pm

      hee hee. thanks!!

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