When I was in my 20s, I went to a psychic with a casual friend who was a frequenter of all things mystic. My friend said: This is the best psychic I’ve ever been to! She knows EVERYTHING! You have to talk to her too.
I didn’t want to talk to her, because 1) I didn’t believe in it, and 2) I was broke and the psychic was like $75, which was a fortune to me then. But my friend finally talked me into it (margaritas had something to do with it, as I recall) and here is how it went.
(As you read the Psychic’s part, imagine an actual slow, despondent Eeyore kind of voice for the full effect)
Psychic: Hi. So you have to pay me in advance, because nobody ever wants to pay me after.
Me: Um, okay. But why doesn’t anybody want to pay you?
Psychic: Because my gift is that I only ever see the bad news about people.
Her: And after I ruin somebody’s life, she doesn’t want to hand over 75 bucks.
Me: Um…I really don’t want to have my life ruined.
Her: Okay. Have a nice day.
[At this point, my friend bullies me into going through with it. I pay the $75]
Psychic: *Out of the TOTAL BLUE, NO PRELIMINARY CONVERSATION AT ALL, NOT ONE WORD* So, your boyfriend is cheating on you.
Me: *laughing* Oh, honey, you are so far off. I mean, I know you “psychics” guess stuff like this and are right half the time out of pure odds, but there’s no way this time. Got anything else?
Psychic: He’s cheating on you with an older woman whose name begins with M.
[NOTE: AT THIS POINT, I MUST TELL YOU THAT MY CASUAL FRIEND HAD NEVER MET MY BOYFRIEND, WE’D NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT HIM, AND SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM, SO SHE COULDN’T HAVE TOLD THE PSYCHIC ANYTHING ABOUT NAMES BEGINNING WITH M, OR Q, OR TURNIP]
Me: Well, this is stupid. Sorry, not to offend you, but that’s the stupidest way I’ve ever wasted $75 in my life.
Psychic: *hangs head, seems near tears* I know. This is why I get the money in advance.
Me: *getting up to leave* Why do you do this, then? If it makes you so sad and you ‘ruin people’s lives’?
Her: It’s a curse. What else am I going to do?
ONE WEEK LATER: I FIND OUT MY BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH AN OLDER WOMAN WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH M.
[I never went to a psychic again]